


i still hear your voice in mine

by agonied



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: AU, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Mentions of Suicide, au where isak wasn't fast enough to save even back, even left him alone, he misses him with every part of his being, heartbroken isak, post oh helga natt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 13:46:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11209317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agonied/pseuds/agonied
Summary: the one where isak misses even with all his senses





	i still hear your voice in mine

**Author's Note:**

> lower case intended

**hearing**

it's been a week. i am still calling your phone everyday. "this is even, i'm obviously not here right now so please send me a message instead" what a lie, you never picked up your phone, even if you had it in your hands, watching the call pass to send a text instead. still, hearing your voice calms me down when everything else gets too loud. too hectical.

i miss you, even. i miss hearing you, listening to you. i miss you whispering sweet nothings in my ear. i miss your laugh. i miss your stumbling over each word when you were high. i miss you telling me how much i mean to you, what movie you had seen today or what you imagine our own little parallel universe to be like. the little noise you made when you were excited, that nobody else seemed to notice. i miss your beautiful mind and mumbled confessions.

your voice always managed to make me feel better. did i ever tell you that? there's so much i didn't tell you yet. so much you'll never never know now. maybe, if i got around to telling you everything i thought, if you heard it all, maybe things would have been different. how can we ever forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't say? i regret not being able to tell you how much i love you, to say goodbye. but who could've known?

even, i hear your voice in mine. the silence is unbearable. please come back

 

**seeing**

they said it would get better, easier. time heals all wounds, right? but maybe that doesn't count for people like me. everytime they start to heal, something rips them open with force and leaves me bleeding harder than i did before.

my apartement depresses me. everyday i don't leave it feels like the walls are coming closer, threatening to crush me. i went out to go to the sea. as i stood in the sun, watching the families go by, for a second something inside me got warm and actually started thinking about a future. but it wasn't meant to last, right? nothing is. i looked across the water and its waves in every shade of blue. a light blue that looked just like your eyes. the anger and the sadness suddenly seemed to burst inside me and it that moment the sun reflecting the blue of the sea burned a hole right through the shell of who i once used to be

i'm scared. i'm scared in a years time i won't remember the smile that never failed to make me happy. the undefinable color of your hair varying between blonde and brown. the way you looked at me the very first time i was over at your place. your soft features once you fell asleep. no photograph could ever portray you in the way i want to remember you.

i don't think i will ever forget you. i don't think i can. but then again, i also thought you'd be with me still.

 

**smelling**

today it hit me by surprise. the pain came out of the blue. i finally agreed to see the boys again, jonas decided to take me to the cabin we already used to go to back in the old times. it didn't feel right, laughing without you. it didn't feel right, being happy. jonas lit a joint. for us all to start forgetting, even if just for a few moments. but little did he know it would have the opposite effect.it threw me back into the memory of my face hidden in your neck with the entire world shut out only us smelling like weed. 

even, i miss it. i miss all of you, but the thing i miss most was us being together. in the most innocent ways. being close enough to smell the perfume you'd hastily put on before going out. wearing your hoodie and finding comfort in smelling you the entire day. it's disappearing. your hoodies stopped smelling like you long ago. the only thing i have left is the untouched bottle of the perfume you used and the smell of a joint that accompanied some of our happiest memories.

the people around me pretend to understand, to not be annoyed. but i see the sigh they have to hold back when i stop talking. they don't know what it feels like, they don't get it. and neither do i. i didn't know feeling like this was possible - undying love, undying pain. please wake me up tomorrow, calming me down, telling me it was just a bad dream. make the hoodies smell like you again.

 

**tasting**

even, what did you taste like?

the nightmares have stopped, but only because i spend most of my nights awake now, staring at the ceiling. even i start to forget. i start to forget what your mouth on mine felt like, what you tasted like when you woke me up just to kiss me. what you tasted like at 3am when we were dancing in the kitchen, listening to NAS or one of your pop-guilty-pleasures and you lifted me on the counter to kiss me. what your lips tasted like at 5pm when i was doing homework and you were watching me, just stealing a quick brush. what did our horrible cheese toasts on that very first day taste like?  how can i make myself remember?

there's not much left that seems to make the days go by faster. i have mainly given up on school, there's no point in having to endure the horrible food in the cantine without having you next to me. the boys keep spending time with me, not giving up, but the taste of beer isn't the same without you. believe it or not, i've even dropped the horrible habit of eating caramels in the middle of the night, the taste reminded me of you. 

are you happy where you are even? is your mind lighter? does your being finally feel right? 

i hope you're okay, wherever you are. i strongly believe you are. but i'm selfish. i'm selfish enough to want you back on this earth, on mine. 

 

**touching**

the days are getting longer and the hours of the nights shorter. i've always loved spring, everything coming back to life. but it  doesn't feel the same without your hand in mine when walking down the streets. 

have i ever told you the stories? of how you calmed down my racing heart and piercing thoughts with just the touch of your hand on my cheek? of how you brought me into a new life by kissing me in that pool? of how i felt things i've never felt before whenever you touched me? you saved me in every way possible even. and i couldn't save you back.

all that's left of you for me to touch is a damned gravestone. "in loving memory", bullshit. nowhere on there it says how many lives you've touched even. how many people you've made happy. how much love you gave. how saving your presence was. how deep the hole you've left is. nobody is ever gonna live the same again. nobody goes on without feeling an absence that's gonna bind us all together for the rest of our lives. and still, my love we've promised to stay strong. i thought a lot about it. about joining you, about finally being together again, about our noses touching in a place so much safer than this. but i can't. for you even, for i've promised you to go on, to stay strong. you've saved so many parts of me, showed me what life really is, wasting it just doesn't seem right. 

don't forget about me, okay? someday we'll be together again, please wait for me, wherever you are. know, that not a day is gonna pass without me thinking of you at all times. i'm gonna make people remember you and i'm gonna make myself remember every part of our story for as long as i'm breathing. it's not over. our story isn't finished, it's just paused.

even bech naesheim, i will love you forever

**Author's Note:**

> hi so if you made it this far i'm incredibly sorry for the amount of pain, just know i suffered too. I originally published this on wattpad for another fandom years ago so if this sucks blame it on past me.


End file.
